Tools... (tools...)

Tools have been a problem for as long as humanity has been around, because unfortunately it's in our DNA to be toolish. Ever since the first tool was all like "hey! God (who's like my BFF) was like "Hey dude, here's all this fruit! You can have any/all of it! Except for these ones, cause they'll kill you", and I'm all like: DUDE! I gotta have me some o' dat forbidden fruit!" ...(...people talked really weird back at the dawn of time)

Here is a short list of things to look for when trying to identify a tool:
1: Flat brimmed hats. (Bonus point if it's a Monster Energy or RockStar hat) (additional point if there is a tag still on the hat)
2: Hair gel. (Basically invented to identify tools from a distance, according to Demetri Martin)
3: Lifted Trucks. (Bonus point if there's a female-silhouette or playboy bumper sticker)
4: Soul Patch. (Bonus point if it's a different color than the rest of his hair)
5: Guys who go on and on about being "addicted to working out" (*corresponding with girls who won't stop talking about their yoga class (...extra point if it's 'hot yoga')
6: Chains/Jewelry. (unless you are Latino... In which case you might still be a tool, but you can pull it off. Rock it, vato!)


Bonus: Ok, this one is somewhat rare, but if you see a man wearing two pairs of sunglasses at the same time, he is almost certainly a tool.

(... or at the very least in a really dumb movie series.)

*Girls can't be classified as tools even if they commit acts of tooldom on a regular basis. They need their own fem-friendly term so that no one can accuse us of sexism... oh well, one battle at a time right?





 --Night