With or without U2

U2 is a very popular band- It seems like everyone is into them. But if you actually take the time to listen to what they say you'd think their name should be changed to UTool...

With or without you
The sheer schizophrenia of this song is pretty epic. Like at first he's complaining about her being cold and standoffish, and then he's saying stuff like:

"Through the storm we reach the shore, you give it all but I want more"
...What a guy. She's giving this her all but it's just not good enough.

"Slight of hand and a twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait... without you" ?
Who are you talking to? Tense switch man, tense switch man!

"And you give yourself away 2x
And you give 2x
And you give yourself away...

... I can't live with or without you"

This comes right on the heels of saying "She's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose"
Sounds like there's something to lose, but then again I was always the guy who was just happy to have a glass at all regardless of content.

Elevation... with Lara CROFT!
The lyrics to this song just suck. I don't need to explain why, just read them...
And what's up with the music video/Tomb Raider crossover? Who's idea was that?

Pride
For some reason the lyrics say "Early morning April fourth... shot rings out in the Memphis sky"
King was assassinated at 6:00pm... late evening... why would you not even bother to look that up before writing a song about it?

Here's a picture of someone headbutting Bono in revenge for
how stupid some of their lyrics are...

Beautiful day... really?
"You're out of luck...
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck...
And you're not moving anywhere"
Ok, so is the reason that you had to care that the traffic is stuck? Cause that's a pretty crappy reason to care... orrrr is that just a random incomplete thought?

"You thought you found a friend...
To take you out of this place
Someone you
could
lend... a hand...
In return for grace"
Wait, wait, wait, in return for grace... but grace itself is an unwarranted action of benevolence. You can't give grace expecting to get something out of it. Also he flies out of any semblance of the time signature/lyrical meter and throws the words awkwardly into place one by one.

"You love this town...
Even if that doesn't ring true"
Why was the first statement even made if it was just going to be retracted/disclaimed?

(I want to go on record saying that the bridge is actually well written. No mixed metaphors or confusing quasi biblical references... the two at the end make sense)

"It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away" 
TOO LATE!

In conclusion,
Stay fresh!

(not fresh)

Road to worthless (Signs of the times)

So dashing... are those clouds above his head or birds??

Dear homo sapiens, I feel the need today to talk about signs.
(And no, I don't mean the marginally ok, yet overrated Mel Gibson film.)
I'd like to preface this by saying that I mostly blame the government for the following:

Crossing signs (or 'xing' signs for some reason... exing! ... which sound like what you plan on doing when you want to break off a relationship):
Back to my original point, this can be further broken down into two sub categories:
(1) Animal crossings: Thinking of all the numerous deer crossing signs I've seen (which is a lot #illinoisprobs)  I have racked (#lamepun) my brain and I don't think I've seen more than 1 or maybe 2 deer that have actually been within a mile of a deer crossing sign, and that's out of the hundreds of deer encounters I've had... that's not a good ratio at all, and I can state for a fact that I've never seen a bear at a bear crossing... What's the point of a sign, if the things it's for is NEVER FREAKING THERE! ...sort of like the lions at Chicago zoo's... -_- ...
(2)People crossings (ped xing's): This seems somewhat silly to me because first off: ped xing... really? and second off ped xing???... but honestly you need to stripe the road, put in a signal AND a sign to tell you people will try to cross this road? I mean it just stands to reason, you're in the middle of a city or town... inhabited by people who will want to go places! Worthless sign!

el tanko es tan leeennnnto!

Slow moving vehicle: This one truly baffles me, and I can't understand anything about it. Why do you need a sign to tell you that the combine that you're stuck behind is moving slowly? ... It just sits there, taunting you, all bright and orange... and since when did orange mean slow? Or does it mean vehicle and corner-less triangle means slow? itruelydk

Bump signs: I'm not sure if this is just and Illinois thing (#illinoisprobs #twoforonesale) but here, our road crews, when they find a spot in the road with a bump that needs to be evened out, they send in for a sign to put there to let you know there's a bump there (as if you haven't already hit it 50 times this month on your way to work) instead of actually working on fixing the problem... Next time I see a fire spreading, I think I'll just put a sign up and walk away, BOOM problem solved!

Missplaced braille: I'm pretty sure people are just trying to see how much they can get away with here. Like how far away can you put the sign from something so the blind will have to journey on an epic quest just to find the sign, which is what lets them know that the thing they're looking for exists in the first place... They're just going to end up asking someone anyway, be honest. Also hanging signs with braille are worthless as I have yet to see a blind person walking with their hands stretched into the air. The only thing more strange and worthless than this is non-raised, printed braille, and yes... yes I have seen this too... amazing.

They put these by short bus stops... True story.

The Mystery of Childbirth (childbirth > pain)

The MOST pain!

Warning: The Jam! may be hazardous to
women who are nursing, pregnant or
may become pregnant.

For us men, its hard to argue with a woman who dismisses your acknowledgement of pain with the words "try childbirth".

We can't say that we know what its like (without raising a few eyebrows), and we can't say that our pain is worse. You're left with little to say and usually just conceded the point.

However, there are a few things which, while perhaps not always appropriate to say, are worth saying:

1. Why is it that 96% (fictional stat) of the women who say this have never actually gone through childbirth themselves? Apparently the dread of childbirth is also worse than any pain experienced by men...

2. Knowing that worse pain exists does not make the pain you are experiencing right now any less painful. Why is it that someone will see another person in pain and their first instinct is to try to trump them? This is rather silly...

3. I've watched the movie 'Excalibur' three times and the 1970s animated version of Lord of the rings more times than I can count. These are awful films, especially the first, but I guess after the soul searching which went into this oddly serious-sounding blog post, I know why: So that next time someone yells in pain, I can tell them I've felt worse... Like how I felt after watching Lancelot fight himself while naked in Excalibur (awful/confused)...

In closing, don't feel the need to one up people! And don't feel the need to one up a gender. What a woman can do is pretty freaking amazing (I mean, really), but as with all things that are bragable, its much better to play it cool.

Hasta luego!

Echoes, Silence, Camo & Dryers

 After a long drought of blog posts we ironically turn to... More dryness. Quality is more important than quantity though, and as they say in the soap 'business': 

The soap container says it all...

Feast your eyes on that machine that brings things to differing and mostly superfluous levels of dryness. Let's go through these:

Starting at the bottom left we have the much coveted "Quick fluff" option. That's for when you don't have time to actually dry your clothes because fashionably late turned into the most late. Quick fluff is so that when people ask about your inevitably dripping (Which sounds like a goth rock band) clothes, you can say at least you tried. Quick fluff is also rumored by urban legend to be able to turn cat t-shirts into actual cats. Quick fluff is for those who secretly like wearing wet clothes, or want to cheat at wet t-shirt contests. Quick fluff is a way of life.

Now I know what you're thinking, and it's not about whether there are any shots left in my .44 magnum revolver. You're thinking, "Shut up about the freaking quick fluff..."

Well fine. The next setting is the much less interesting "Dewrinkle". Was that concise enough?

The third setting is the strangely named "Damp dry" for when you're just too Dam(p) indecisive. This is everything I mocked about dryers in the earlier posts condensed into one glorious paradox.

And the rest of the lower settings are boring. On the upper right setting you can see the now famous "More dry/Less dry" conundrum, along with the pretty good advice to "Cool down".

On the upper left, between the reappearing more dry/less dry is the tragically unpopular transformers knock-off "Optimum Dry", leader of the drycepticons. And before you're able to say that Megatron was actually the leader of the decepticons, we're going to quick jump to another topic!

Recently in wal mart I saw a pair of camouflage slippers, and I thought, wow, with the blog post I just wrote about camouflage I wish I had seen this earlier... I would have written something like, "Camouflage slippers: Their only purpose is for when you're sleeping with the enemy." And it would have made sense and fit with the topic of the blog post...

But I drygress. In the words of the ancient 1840s Swedish Mystic, Mjorgen Yorgan Bjorgan, "Until next time..."

The Black Eyed Peas

Suck.

Camo-fail!

For hundreds of years, mankind has envied lizards for their ability to blend in, much like Robert Pattinson in a mortuary. But we have always, despite our best efforts, failed to match the karma of chameleons.

I'm talking, of course, about camouflage. But sometimes... Most times... Camouflage does the opposite of what it's trying to achieve. Let me drop some examples on you:

1: Forest Camo
Mostly used for blending in at a Wal Mart, rarely seen in forests. The thing about this is that, outside of forests, it makes you stand out way more...
2: Urban Camo
What exactly is this trying to accomplish? Most camo works because of it's splotchy patterns blending in to a random environment... But most buildings, in case you haven't noticed, aren't 50 splotchy shades of gray.
3: Navy Camo
We've finally perfected the technology to make you able to blend in while drowning... While your body is completely underneath the surface of the water and can't be seen anyway... And the parts of your body that don't have camo, your head and hands, are above the water...
4: Desert Camo
I've actually only seen this worn in deserts... Which is where it's supposed to be used... So this one's fine. Well played, desert camo!

This hat sucks too...

5: Universal Camo
Most environments look pretty much the same, right? Well apparently that's what the guys who designed the ACUPAT Universal Camouflage pattern thought. This is what happens when you throw desert, urban and forest into a blender... And then shoot that out of a shotgun and sew it all back together. As you can see from the displeased expressions on the left, however, most army personnel disliked the change. Not well played, universal camo!

6: Pink Camo

So in closing, if you want to blend in in a city, you'd probably be better off with a brick patterned shirt, or disguising yourself as a phone booth or pop machine...

... Like the ninja!

The last, and undoubtedly least useful camo is pink.
I can think of very few scenarios in which PC can help you not stick out like a power ranger.
--1: You are magically transported to My Little Pony land and must adapt to your surroundings or die. (slim odds)
--2: Our entire planet gets turned into a giant ball of cotton candy. (not likely)
--3: Covert operation at Barbie's mansion. (...could happen)
























... yeah ....

Tools... (tools...)

Tools have been a problem for as long as humanity has been around, because unfortunately it's in our DNA to be toolish. Ever since the first tool was all like "hey! God (who's like my BFF) was like "Hey dude, here's all this fruit! You can have any/all of it! Except for these ones, cause they'll kill you", and I'm all like: DUDE! I gotta have me some o' dat forbidden fruit!" ...(...people talked really weird back at the dawn of time)

Here is a short list of things to look for when trying to identify a tool:
1: Flat brimmed hats. (Bonus point if it's a Monster Energy or RockStar hat) (additional point if there is a tag still on the hat)
2: Hair gel. (Basically invented to identify tools from a distance, according to Demetri Martin)
3: Lifted Trucks. (Bonus point if there's a female-silhouette or playboy bumper sticker)
4: Soul Patch. (Bonus point if it's a different color than the rest of his hair)
5: Guys who go on and on about being "addicted to working out" (*corresponding with girls who won't stop talking about their yoga class (...extra point if it's 'hot yoga')
6: Chains/Jewelry. (unless you are Latino... In which case you might still be a tool, but you can pull it off. Rock it, vato!)


Bonus: Ok, this one is somewhat rare, but if you see a man wearing two pairs of sunglasses at the same time, he is almost certainly a tool.

(... or at the very least in a really dumb movie series.)

*Girls can't be classified as tools even if they commit acts of tooldom on a regular basis. They need their own fem-friendly term so that no one can accuse us of sexism... oh well, one battle at a time right?





 --Night

All My Life... (Really? (redux))

I love when you're listening to a song and you catch a line that makes you stop and go: Wait... really?
Something so overstated that it makes the song impossible to take seriously, and (at least for me) devolves the whole situation into dissecting the illogicá of the line. (dance/trance/dub is the MOST famous for this)

"Meet me under shining lights, I've been waiting right here all my life"
https://soundcloud.com/krewella/alive-cash-cash-x-dj-kalkutta

This raises a whole host of things to say! First off: I am SO sorry! I had no idea you were born on a dance floor, waiting for me to come along and dance with you. Was it a rough delivery??? I mean what with all the people groovin' and grindin' and shakin' and bakin' and whatnot. It must have been chaos!
And what about the issues of being raised on a dance floor? Was it hard to make friends? Did you get in trouble for staying out late like normal kids?

And then there's always the weird, almost supernatural lines that sometimes come up in love songs where a bunch of unrealistic, sometimes inconvenient promises are made. It always makes me lose my toast when, for instance, Johnny Rzeznik says "I'll write your name across the sky, so I'm always with you."

What if I don't want everyone to know my name? What if I'm still living in the early 2000s and think that if people on the internet know my name I'll end up duct taped in the back of a black van? In mexico?

And, let's be honest, not only is the idea of someone (Especially like Johnny Rzeznik and the friendly muskrat that lives in his hair...) being always there implausible- But in some cases it would just be kinda annoying too... It doesn't matter how in love you are, do you really want your spouse/significant other/fling/other popping up out of nowhere when you're on the toilet? (Or, for the British people in our audience, IN the toilet... Don't ask me how or why...)

We're already running pretty long but just wait until we make the blog post discussing how in some songs there's reference to a secret society of mysterious suit-wearing Illuminati who try to break up romantic couples...
"We'll never let THEM tear us apart..."

Stay tuned!

The occasional "damn"

The occasional damn is the concept that: Swearing is ok *IF*... you limit yourself in your uses of it, and never, NEVER swear in a church. #struckbylightning

"We allow 'crap', 'suck' and the occasional 'damn!'."

What other activities are okay, but become immoral depending on how often or in what location they're used?
"Oh, well, try not to steal SO MUCH money... Only a few hundreds..."
"Don't murder anyone in a post office... That's just wrong..."
"Don't burn down any buildings... Unless they're DMVs... That's fine."

--Regards/Regardless

More dry... The MOST dry!

There's nothing better than wearing clothes that are just out of the dryer... It's like being immersed in warmth and goodness... But have you ever wondered about how on the settings of a dryer it's listed, "Less dry" to "More dry"?

Here you have this machine designed for ONE purpose... To dry stuff... And it's asking you how well you want it to do it's ONE job? That's a bit odd...

How dry do I want my clothes? (or cloths for mega impoverished countries or trendy-phrased hipsters)
The MOST dry!

--Good day sir! (or madam)

The Best Man... (Really?)

So I was recently at a wedding. Surveying the scene...

I was sipping on a RB&V, chatting up some bridesmaids, when all of a sudden it hit me: Why doesn't the bride wed the best man??? ... I mean, he's literally called by everyone "The Best Man".
And you know who gave him that title? The groom!

The groom himself admits that this guy, is the best man. 

Better than him, better than his cousins who he had to ask to be in his wedding party to avoid unwanted family drama (as opposed to wanted family drama, like a show on AMC) ...And it's not a subjective thing either, like, this guy is "The best man... For someone else." or "The best man from Asia." It's listed in no uncertain terms that this guy, out of all the guys, is the best man. There's no excuse for the bride to go off and marry someone else... And yet she does... And is expected to... This makes no sense...

Anyway,

The Jam! ...Excellent.

Hey, bienvenidos a la 'The Jam!"! (<--confusing grammatical exclamation mark conundrum)
Don't be fooled by the name! This may sound like some sort of bar or pub or wanna-bee swanky club, run by some reasonably attractive people of Scandinavian/Northern European decent, located in the Great Northwest, maybe some place like Spokane WA... but it isn't... it is a blog.

Here you will find abstract thoughts and wisdom gleamed over years of.... abstract thoughts...

...Enjoy!