Entre le bœuf et l'âne gris

Christmas Xmas is in the air- The "Holidays" are approaching... Don't be offended... It's around this time of year that we start to sing a lot of the same hymns and carols- Which is great, they're great. But sometimes you'll be standing there, in the church, and suddenly everything goes quiet... What just happened? You look closer at your hymnal and realize that all at once, the entire congregation got confused on whether or not they were allowed to say, "Ass." (And don't even get me started on hymns that mention bosoms...)

There are two really popular hymns in particular where, every year, if you listen closely, you can hear it happen every. Single. Time. The easiest one to get away with is, "Good Christian Friends Rejoice"- The tempo is fast enough that you can just kind mumble through it and half ass it.

Speaking of half assing it, whoever wrote the Little Drummer Boy (In the ancient year of 1941) took the initiative and wussed out BEFORE everyone else by replacing ass with lamb. That gets a JAM certification of: "Lame!"

 

But then there are slow hymns like, "What Child is This", and the line always ends up going something like

 Situations like this call for unquestioning bravery and an absolute refusal to half-ass. You just have to go forward and sing the line without hesitation. And then laugh at everyone else as they stumble along it. That's the only way to sing Christmas Hymns.

 

There are some other, more obscure hymns that do this too, such as the French "Entre le bœuf et l'âne gris" or "Between the Ox and the Gray Ass", which sounds like their version of between a rock and a hard place. But at least the French know that gray is a distinct color from blue!

And then there's the oddly suggestive "In the Bleak Midwinter", which deserves quite a bit of attention.

What exactly is going on here?

 

I don't even know what to say to explain just how awkward this hymn is. The one-two punch (Teaching children how to count and punch people at the same time, both very valuable skills) of weirdness from this verse alone is just staggering... I'm very glad it doesn't get sung a lot. There's only one other Christmas carol I can think of that's more awkward than this one, (In the Ending of The Year) but it's literally too explicit to talk about on the JAM. (But it is hilarious) The JAM is a semi-family friendly blog, after all. (Which means it's friendly to the families of truckers)

 

And there ya go. Tune in next time when we fulfill our Blogal Duties by having an obligatory post about how consumeristic Christmas is these days. But right now I have to go out and get all my Christmas shopping done.

 

Anyway, I leave you with this deleted scene from the Nativity, featuring the amazing Spider Manger:

Life Hack Fails

Lifehacks. Some people look them up to increase their efficiency and simplicity. Some other people (Me) look them up to make fun of them. Let's do that for a while.

... And then you'll spend another $20 every time you go to a bar.

 Now you can have a place to hold... A single bagel! Congratulations!

 There are very few purchases that this would make better, and a whole lot that this would make worse.

... And, now you have a birthday card.

And, now they also have to get through the additional stress of having someone tell them to laugh at whatever is stressing them out.

JAM! research has proven that this can cause a stress increase of up to 70%.*

(*This study was conducted by two of our own two staff members, who of course agree with us.)

That vacuum cleaner was actually a rejected droid from the latest Star-Wars preview.

Always a good idea to lessen your total speed when being chased by dangerous (If rarely encountered) predators. #Florida Problems

Personalized... In the most generic way possible. This is the Lifehack that keeps on giving- You could personalize anything this way!

Because we can totally just throw random percentages on things to make them more scientific.

 1. Nebulous citation of "A study"

2. How do you calculate the exact percentage of someone's mood, anyway? The JAM! staff recently tested this, and found anywhere from a 1-27% increase in mood. (As directly opposed to a 95% increase in mood while readying the JAM!)

3. Also, now you have a picture of food. Congratulations.

 Quick poll: Are you pro or anti date-rape?

... And be a complete douche!

 For all the people who have run out of other reasons to have sex.



 For all the people who haven't thrown these out sometime during the last 20 years.

 If you're too far away to unlock your car, what are you going to do with it after you unlock it anyway? Does Bruce Willis need your car to save his pregnant wife from the Insane Clown Posse or something? (In which case, Bruce Willis could open your car faster than you ever could anyway) 

 Alternatively, save yourself the trouble of using a printer (Printers are the DEVIL!) and just learn to measure with a ruler.

So that you can lower your immune system and keep the sore throat going indefinitely. This is a lifehack for people who like being sick. At least you'll never have to go to work again! The MOST sick days!

Works great if you don't have any kids!

And that's all, folks!



The Straight and Narrow

Okay.

So.

It seems like there are a lot of people who don't value marriage at all... Until they're told that they can't get married, at which point they're furious. Like, why is it that in an ironic turn of events, gay people now value marriage more than most heterosexuals?

I vote that, in order to lower the divorce rate and save marriage and stable families in this country, we should legalize marriage for gays and outlaw marriage for heterosexuals. As it stands right now, marriage is viewed as standard and obligatory- (There is obviously a huge difference between how something is viewed and how it actually is) Something that people 50 years older than you will want you to do for no reason... Also there are tax benefits ;)

But if marriage was made illegal, it would suddenly have a rebel appeal which is (Because reasons) stronger than almost any other incentive you could give for it, because humans love rebellion, and Americans love being human.

Skin colors- Red, yellow, black, white... Blue animals??? Blue GRASS???

Have you ever heard people talking about racism and wondered if they're actually talking about a different species of people? Like in that song, where it talks about the children who are "Red and yellow, black and white"... None of those colors actually describe people... If someone actually had red skin, they'd probably get mistaken for the Devil... Because that idea of the devil being red came from... Somewhere... Hezekiah IV, 3:16-26?

 

And why did no one in the Middle East ever get assigned a color? Like, everyone else is this prismatic rainbow of ridiculousness, but then middle eastern people are just... Middle eastern. They didn't know how to describe it... Did colors not actually get invented until the 1900s or something? People seemed to only be allowed to use the colors of Superman's costume (Red, yellow and blue) and morality (Black and white) and that's it.

 

People apparently like throwing random color buffets around and pretending they have something to do with race. Native Americans used to alternate between calling the first white settlers "Yellow eyes" and "White eyes"

And don't get me started on animals... Have you ever heard someone describe a cat, or a Walrus, or an Elephant (Some of the most talked about animals...) as blue? And you're looking all over the room for this amazing blue cat, probably glowing neon and throwing disco lights everywhere...

And then it's just a boring gray cat and you're really disappointed...

Or maybe that's just me.

Maybe blue cats come from the same place that blue grass does... And then they play that annoying song that was really popular in the late 90s and early 2000s about the blue guy... And everyone gets annoyed and wants to shoot themselves and/or their radios...

 

At any rate, the JAM has kindly made a helpful illustrated guide of what colors actually are, for the people who named the different racial colors: (Who are all certainly very dead)

 



RED



NOT RED

YELLOW

NOT YELLOW

BLACK

NOT BLACK

 

WHITE



CHRIS FUNKHOUSER

GPS (Girl's Positively Satan.)

Oh, uh... Hullo! I didn't see you there!

All my life I've been haunted by a voice in the back of my head, telling me certain things... Things which aren't true- Things which are never true!

Then I realized that other people heard it too... And then I realized that that's because it's on speakers, and it's trying (Rather ineptly) to give me directions.

GPS, which The Man (Not to be confused with the BEST man) would have you believe is short for Global Positioning System, is one of those "Inventions" which has supposedly made society better, but in reality is spreading a disease of poor navigational skills among our youth... And other people... And me...

Photo credit to whom credit is dew.

The "Soothing" robotic female voice (In its own gnarled version of english translated from binary) has been known, like the Siren, to lead travelers to their deaths... Or at least to worthless parking lots- Which are incredibly hard to escape... For me...

Your GPS wishes.

Some GPS...s display the symbol of turning (Which sounds like a Dan Brown novel) when they really just want you to switch lanes. This is all well and good for simple highways, but when you end up in some sort of hellish place like St. Louis, where there's 8 lanes and 800 exits all leading off into various circles of hell- Then you can find yourself in all kinds of trouble.

Mindless urban chaos!

Once you've spun off into the mindless urban chaos, you may find that your GPS has conveniently "Lost Signal", which makes me want to lose my toast! And then when it finally comes back around, the "Soothing" female voice is telling you to "Turn right... (Into the river!)" or "Turn left... (Into a concrete barrier!)" and you're just driving in CRAZY CIRCLES all over Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd... Turning onto Veterans Parkway... Not that any of this oddly specific scenario has happened to me, mind you.

Another thing is that parking lots don't exist in the world of GPS. It is, in fact, preferable to make an illegal u-turn ("When possible, make illegal u-turn..." She even says it!!!) on a crowded highway, than to just turn into a parking lot (Think of how gray you'll be!) and make your turn there... And this is all for the goal of getting onto the freeway in order to drive like 5 miles to a gas station... Stupid GPS... Stupid me...

But probably the best feeling is when, at the end of a long journey, you hear the glorious bells and hear the "Soothing" voice tell you "Arriving at destination." And you look around, take it in, sigh... And realize you're surrounded by an empty parking lot and none of the buildings are what you want. And you drive in circles... Like me...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I suck at driving... GPS... Really?

Strangers in the Night

Hail fellow, well met!

You know, your parents always tell you growing up that you shouldn't talk to strangers.
But what about a perfect stranger?
Sounds worth meeting to me.

Like two ships that pass in the night. (Cause songs are more epic when they use the word 'night')

Preemptive salvo/my anti normal life

Dear/deer readers/browsers/perusers (and Peruvians too) of The Jam: (this is for you)

I would like to apologize for the absence of sanity and amusement on the internet in the last few months, but as it just so happens (coincidence? I think not!) I have been traveling/trekking and traversing hither and thither, and for the most part did not have either time, or internet #worldtravelerprobs with which to continue this jazz you've come to 'lol' at.

After many days of fresh jungle mangos, lack of English, sleep and basic hygiene, I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide...
Since we last spoke (or rather since the Jam was last typed) I've been flung all about the Bolivian and Peruvian countryside on various quests and missions with varying degrees of success and victory...

Here are some (but not all) of the things I've learned in this time that I feel must be dropped on you in preemptive fashion.
So prepare! Knowledge drop time!

#1: Speaking English is apparently not a prerequisite to working at a US embassy, and in fact its totally normal not to have anyone that speaks English until after at least two checkpoints... Also their metal detectors don't work very well... (Not that I'd know from personal experience! (Heavens no!))

#2: Bolivian cab drivers are completely insane... And Peruvian cab drivers... And Chicago cab drivers now that I think of it... Maybe its just all cab drivers, but all I know is after flying around blind curves IN FOG on the Bolivian deathroad, I can no longer reassure people by saying: "it'll be ok, this driver doesn't want to die just as much as you and I do not want to die..."
Their diet consists almost exclusively of the coca leaf, which is coincidentally used to make cocaine... I see this ending well :-!

#3: People in other countries are just as ignorant as we are here in the states.
We get pegged so often as being ignorant, ethnocentric tools here in the states, and for the most part we are don't get me wrong! But sadly the majority of people are. Ignorance and arrogance are tragically universal traits of humanity, and not just our Jam here in the states...
PS: Canadians are super nice. That was not made up.

#4: Parasites exist.

#5: You should check and recheck your passport/stamps at border crossings... You will never regret it...
Once again, not that I would know this from personal experience or anything, but I've got this friend, very similar to me in a lot of ways, and he totally got stuck in a country for a week and a half because some migrations worker at a border station wasn't exactly on the ball.

International supermodel

#6: Men still find me attractive. Sadly for them, I do not share this attraction, but it's always good to know that all my scarfs and homemade tea blends are being noticed by someone... ;)))
Thanks gays. 

#7: A town or village in the most remote parts of the world, beyond the power grid, and past the water system is still likely to have Coca cola.
This company has to get mad props (as opposed to chil/tranquil props) for whatever black magic spell they used to accomplish this. I assume that many goats lost their lives to bring this unlikelihood into reality.

#8: Pointing at something and saying this (or 'esto') is apparently no longer a universal way of getting people to know what you are talking about when you forget a word in Spanish... Or at least not for Peruvians.
It could be something as simple as saying not brazos (arms) but these (pointing to legs), and they will look at you bewildered with a look on their face as if you'd just asked them to help you dawn a burlap tuxido and breakdance underwater until you reach the moon.

#9: Tourist are lame, and tourist traps are lamer. (Like the MOST lame!)

#10: in flight meals don't always happen on international flights. #spiritairlines #onefailureamongmany #neveragain

In the end I find that when it's all said and done, I'm completely totally, utterly, and without a doubt, just as confused as you are.



--Not allergic to awesome.