The Straight and Narrow

Okay.

So.

It seems like there are a lot of people who don't value marriage at all... Until they're told that they can't get married, at which point they're furious. Like, why is it that in an ironic turn of events, gay people now value marriage more than most heterosexuals?

I vote that, in order to lower the divorce rate and save marriage and stable families in this country, we should legalize marriage for gays and outlaw marriage for heterosexuals. As it stands right now, marriage is viewed as standard and obligatory- (There is obviously a huge difference between how something is viewed and how it actually is) Something that people 50 years older than you will want you to do for no reason... Also there are tax benefits ;)

But if marriage was made illegal, it would suddenly have a rebel appeal which is (Because reasons) stronger than almost any other incentive you could give for it, because humans love rebellion, and Americans love being human.

Skin colors- Red, yellow, black, white... Blue animals??? Blue GRASS???

Have you ever heard people talking about racism and wondered if they're actually talking about a different species of people? Like in that song, where it talks about the children who are "Red and yellow, black and white"... None of those colors actually describe people... If someone actually had red skin, they'd probably get mistaken for the Devil... Because that idea of the devil being red came from... Somewhere... Hezekiah IV, 3:16-26?

 

And why did no one in the Middle East ever get assigned a color? Like, everyone else is this prismatic rainbow of ridiculousness, but then middle eastern people are just... Middle eastern. They didn't know how to describe it... Did colors not actually get invented until the 1900s or something? People seemed to only be allowed to use the colors of Superman's costume (Red, yellow and blue) and morality (Black and white) and that's it.

 

People apparently like throwing random color buffets around and pretending they have something to do with race. Native Americans used to alternate between calling the first white settlers "Yellow eyes" and "White eyes"

And don't get me started on animals... Have you ever heard someone describe a cat, or a Walrus, or an Elephant (Some of the most talked about animals...) as blue? And you're looking all over the room for this amazing blue cat, probably glowing neon and throwing disco lights everywhere...

And then it's just a boring gray cat and you're really disappointed...

Or maybe that's just me.

Maybe blue cats come from the same place that blue grass does... And then they play that annoying song that was really popular in the late 90s and early 2000s about the blue guy... And everyone gets annoyed and wants to shoot themselves and/or their radios...

 

At any rate, the JAM has kindly made a helpful illustrated guide of what colors actually are, for the people who named the different racial colors: (Who are all certainly very dead)

 



RED



NOT RED

YELLOW

NOT YELLOW

BLACK

NOT BLACK

 

WHITE



CHRIS FUNKHOUSER

GPS (Girl's Positively Satan.)

Oh, uh... Hullo! I didn't see you there!

All my life I've been haunted by a voice in the back of my head, telling me certain things... Things which aren't true- Things which are never true!

Then I realized that other people heard it too... And then I realized that that's because it's on speakers, and it's trying (Rather ineptly) to give me directions.

GPS, which The Man (Not to be confused with the BEST man) would have you believe is short for Global Positioning System, is one of those "Inventions" which has supposedly made society better, but in reality is spreading a disease of poor navigational skills among our youth... And other people... And me...

Photo credit to whom credit is dew.

The "Soothing" robotic female voice (In its own gnarled version of english translated from binary) has been known, like the Siren, to lead travelers to their deaths... Or at least to worthless parking lots- Which are incredibly hard to escape... For me...

Your GPS wishes.

Some GPS...s display the symbol of turning (Which sounds like a Dan Brown novel) when they really just want you to switch lanes. This is all well and good for simple highways, but when you end up in some sort of hellish place like St. Louis, where there's 8 lanes and 800 exits all leading off into various circles of hell- Then you can find yourself in all kinds of trouble.

Mindless urban chaos!

Once you've spun off into the mindless urban chaos, you may find that your GPS has conveniently "Lost Signal", which makes me want to lose my toast! And then when it finally comes back around, the "Soothing" female voice is telling you to "Turn right... (Into the river!)" or "Turn left... (Into a concrete barrier!)" and you're just driving in CRAZY CIRCLES all over Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd... Turning onto Veterans Parkway... Not that any of this oddly specific scenario has happened to me, mind you.

Another thing is that parking lots don't exist in the world of GPS. It is, in fact, preferable to make an illegal u-turn ("When possible, make illegal u-turn..." She even says it!!!) on a crowded highway, than to just turn into a parking lot (Think of how gray you'll be!) and make your turn there... And this is all for the goal of getting onto the freeway in order to drive like 5 miles to a gas station... Stupid GPS... Stupid me...

But probably the best feeling is when, at the end of a long journey, you hear the glorious bells and hear the "Soothing" voice tell you "Arriving at destination." And you look around, take it in, sigh... And realize you're surrounded by an empty parking lot and none of the buildings are what you want. And you drive in circles... Like me...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I suck at driving... GPS... Really?

Strangers in the Night

Hail fellow, well met!

You know, your parents always tell you growing up that you shouldn't talk to strangers.
But what about a perfect stranger?
Sounds worth meeting to me.

Like two ships that pass in the night. (Cause songs are more epic when they use the word 'night')

Preemptive salvo/my anti normal life

Dear/deer readers/browsers/perusers (and Peruvians too) of The Jam: (this is for you)

I would like to apologize for the absence of sanity and amusement on the internet in the last few months, but as it just so happens (coincidence? I think not!) I have been traveling/trekking and traversing hither and thither, and for the most part did not have either time, or internet #worldtravelerprobs with which to continue this jazz you've come to 'lol' at.

After many days of fresh jungle mangos, lack of English, sleep and basic hygiene, I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide...
Since we last spoke (or rather since the Jam was last typed) I've been flung all about the Bolivian and Peruvian countryside on various quests and missions with varying degrees of success and victory...

Here are some (but not all) of the things I've learned in this time that I feel must be dropped on you in preemptive fashion.
So prepare! Knowledge drop time!

#1: Speaking English is apparently not a prerequisite to working at a US embassy, and in fact its totally normal not to have anyone that speaks English until after at least two checkpoints... Also their metal detectors don't work very well... (Not that I'd know from personal experience! (Heavens no!))

#2: Bolivian cab drivers are completely insane... And Peruvian cab drivers... And Chicago cab drivers now that I think of it... Maybe its just all cab drivers, but all I know is after flying around blind curves IN FOG on the Bolivian deathroad, I can no longer reassure people by saying: "it'll be ok, this driver doesn't want to die just as much as you and I do not want to die..."
Their diet consists almost exclusively of the coca leaf, which is coincidentally used to make cocaine... I see this ending well :-!

#3: People in other countries are just as ignorant as we are here in the states.
We get pegged so often as being ignorant, ethnocentric tools here in the states, and for the most part we are don't get me wrong! But sadly the majority of people are. Ignorance and arrogance are tragically universal traits of humanity, and not just our Jam here in the states...
PS: Canadians are super nice. That was not made up.

#4: Parasites exist.

#5: You should check and recheck your passport/stamps at border crossings... You will never regret it...
Once again, not that I would know this from personal experience or anything, but I've got this friend, very similar to me in a lot of ways, and he totally got stuck in a country for a week and a half because some migrations worker at a border station wasn't exactly on the ball.

International supermodel

#6: Men still find me attractive. Sadly for them, I do not share this attraction, but it's always good to know that all my scarfs and homemade tea blends are being noticed by someone... ;)))
Thanks gays. 

#7: A town or village in the most remote parts of the world, beyond the power grid, and past the water system is still likely to have Coca cola.
This company has to get mad props (as opposed to chil/tranquil props) for whatever black magic spell they used to accomplish this. I assume that many goats lost their lives to bring this unlikelihood into reality.

#8: Pointing at something and saying this (or 'esto') is apparently no longer a universal way of getting people to know what you are talking about when you forget a word in Spanish... Or at least not for Peruvians.
It could be something as simple as saying not brazos (arms) but these (pointing to legs), and they will look at you bewildered with a look on their face as if you'd just asked them to help you dawn a burlap tuxido and breakdance underwater until you reach the moon.

#9: Tourist are lame, and tourist traps are lamer. (Like the MOST lame!)

#10: in flight meals don't always happen on international flights. #spiritairlines #onefailureamongmany #neveragain

In the end I find that when it's all said and done, I'm completely totally, utterly, and without a doubt, just as confused as you are.



--Not allergic to awesome.

With or without U2

U2 is a very popular band- It seems like everyone is into them. But if you actually take the time to listen to what they say you'd think their name should be changed to UTool...

With or without you
The sheer schizophrenia of this song is pretty epic. Like at first he's complaining about her being cold and standoffish, and then he's saying stuff like:

"Through the storm we reach the shore, you give it all but I want more"
...What a guy. She's giving this her all but it's just not good enough.

"Slight of hand and a twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait... without you" ?
Who are you talking to? Tense switch man, tense switch man!

"And you give yourself away 2x
And you give 2x
And you give yourself away...

... I can't live with or without you"

This comes right on the heels of saying "She's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose"
Sounds like there's something to lose, but then again I was always the guy who was just happy to have a glass at all regardless of content.

Elevation... with Lara CROFT!
The lyrics to this song just suck. I don't need to explain why, just read them...
And what's up with the music video/Tomb Raider crossover? Who's idea was that?

Pride
For some reason the lyrics say "Early morning April fourth... shot rings out in the Memphis sky"
King was assassinated at 6:00pm... late evening... why would you not even bother to look that up before writing a song about it?

Here's a picture of someone headbutting Bono in revenge for
how stupid some of their lyrics are...

Beautiful day... really?
"You're out of luck...
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck...
And you're not moving anywhere"
Ok, so is the reason that you had to care that the traffic is stuck? Cause that's a pretty crappy reason to care... orrrr is that just a random incomplete thought?

"You thought you found a friend...
To take you out of this place
Someone you
could
lend... a hand...
In return for grace"
Wait, wait, wait, in return for grace... but grace itself is an unwarranted action of benevolence. You can't give grace expecting to get something out of it. Also he flies out of any semblance of the time signature/lyrical meter and throws the words awkwardly into place one by one.

"You love this town...
Even if that doesn't ring true"
Why was the first statement even made if it was just going to be retracted/disclaimed?

(I want to go on record saying that the bridge is actually well written. No mixed metaphors or confusing quasi biblical references... the two at the end make sense)

"It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away" 
TOO LATE!

In conclusion,
Stay fresh!

(not fresh)

Road to worthless (Signs of the times)

So dashing... are those clouds above his head or birds??

Dear homo sapiens, I feel the need today to talk about signs.
(And no, I don't mean the marginally ok, yet overrated Mel Gibson film.)
I'd like to preface this by saying that I mostly blame the government for the following:

Crossing signs (or 'xing' signs for some reason... exing! ... which sound like what you plan on doing when you want to break off a relationship):
Back to my original point, this can be further broken down into two sub categories:
(1) Animal crossings: Thinking of all the numerous deer crossing signs I've seen (which is a lot #illinoisprobs)  I have racked (#lamepun) my brain and I don't think I've seen more than 1 or maybe 2 deer that have actually been within a mile of a deer crossing sign, and that's out of the hundreds of deer encounters I've had... that's not a good ratio at all, and I can state for a fact that I've never seen a bear at a bear crossing... What's the point of a sign, if the things it's for is NEVER FREAKING THERE! ...sort of like the lions at Chicago zoo's... -_- ...
(2)People crossings (ped xing's): This seems somewhat silly to me because first off: ped xing... really? and second off ped xing???... but honestly you need to stripe the road, put in a signal AND a sign to tell you people will try to cross this road? I mean it just stands to reason, you're in the middle of a city or town... inhabited by people who will want to go places! Worthless sign!

el tanko es tan leeennnnto!

Slow moving vehicle: This one truly baffles me, and I can't understand anything about it. Why do you need a sign to tell you that the combine that you're stuck behind is moving slowly? ... It just sits there, taunting you, all bright and orange... and since when did orange mean slow? Or does it mean vehicle and corner-less triangle means slow? itruelydk

Bump signs: I'm not sure if this is just and Illinois thing (#illinoisprobs #twoforonesale) but here, our road crews, when they find a spot in the road with a bump that needs to be evened out, they send in for a sign to put there to let you know there's a bump there (as if you haven't already hit it 50 times this month on your way to work) instead of actually working on fixing the problem... Next time I see a fire spreading, I think I'll just put a sign up and walk away, BOOM problem solved!

Missplaced braille: I'm pretty sure people are just trying to see how much they can get away with here. Like how far away can you put the sign from something so the blind will have to journey on an epic quest just to find the sign, which is what lets them know that the thing they're looking for exists in the first place... They're just going to end up asking someone anyway, be honest. Also hanging signs with braille are worthless as I have yet to see a blind person walking with their hands stretched into the air. The only thing more strange and worthless than this is non-raised, printed braille, and yes... yes I have seen this too... amazing.

They put these by short bus stops... True story.