GPS (Girl's Positively Satan.)

Oh, uh... Hullo! I didn't see you there!

All my life I've been haunted by a voice in the back of my head, telling me certain things... Things which aren't true- Things which are never true!

Then I realized that other people heard it too... And then I realized that that's because it's on speakers, and it's trying (Rather ineptly) to give me directions.

GPS, which The Man (Not to be confused with the BEST man) would have you believe is short for Global Positioning System, is one of those "Inventions" which has supposedly made society better, but in reality is spreading a disease of poor navigational skills among our youth... And other people... And me...

Photo credit to whom credit is dew.

The "Soothing" robotic female voice (In its own gnarled version of english translated from binary) has been known, like the Siren, to lead travelers to their deaths... Or at least to worthless parking lots- Which are incredibly hard to escape... For me...

Your GPS wishes.

Some GPS...s display the symbol of turning (Which sounds like a Dan Brown novel) when they really just want you to switch lanes. This is all well and good for simple highways, but when you end up in some sort of hellish place like St. Louis, where there's 8 lanes and 800 exits all leading off into various circles of hell- Then you can find yourself in all kinds of trouble.

Mindless urban chaos!

Once you've spun off into the mindless urban chaos, you may find that your GPS has conveniently "Lost Signal", which makes me want to lose my toast! And then when it finally comes back around, the "Soothing" female voice is telling you to "Turn right... (Into the river!)" or "Turn left... (Into a concrete barrier!)" and you're just driving in CRAZY CIRCLES all over Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd... Turning onto Veterans Parkway... Not that any of this oddly specific scenario has happened to me, mind you.

Another thing is that parking lots don't exist in the world of GPS. It is, in fact, preferable to make an illegal u-turn ("When possible, make illegal u-turn..." She even says it!!!) on a crowded highway, than to just turn into a parking lot (Think of how gray you'll be!) and make your turn there... And this is all for the goal of getting onto the freeway in order to drive like 5 miles to a gas station... Stupid GPS... Stupid me...

But probably the best feeling is when, at the end of a long journey, you hear the glorious bells and hear the "Soothing" voice tell you "Arriving at destination." And you look around, take it in, sigh... And realize you're surrounded by an empty parking lot and none of the buildings are what you want. And you drive in circles... Like me...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I suck at driving... GPS... Really?